Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
