apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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