just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
