awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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