just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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