What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
