the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
