i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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