literally had 100 drinks last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
