Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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