I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
