I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
that may or may not have been my penis.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
