I'm going to jail i love you
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
