Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
