you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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