naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
