Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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