i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
