I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
