Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
