Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
