3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I wish there were birth control emojis
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
