I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
