had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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