yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
