dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
