you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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