I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
