my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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