I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
