So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
