My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
