just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
