your room smells of hookers.
And success
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
