Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
