Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
