I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
