Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
