peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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