I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
