My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
