Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
