my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
