i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish you could order shots online.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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