she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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