Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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