Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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