i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
