I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
