Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
