Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You ate ashes out of my bong
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
