I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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